Thursday, April 29, 2010

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.

How long do I have to repeat this mantra before I stop wishing I could just stay at home with Baby all day every day? Really, I would be a terrible (terrible!) SAHM. Terrible. I’m not crafty. I can’t sing. I couldn’t ever teach her Spanish or baby sign language.

You might think that I should be able to do one of these things. Yes, it’s true that I took 4 years of high school Spanish and 3 years of college Spanish, but my level of fluency basically stops at ordering tacos and beer (ahem, cerveza). Sign Language? I know a few signs, but I’m pretty sure that my infant doesn’t need to learn them.

Tone deaf. Rhythmically challenged. Artistically disinclined. What could I possibly have to offer my child if I kept her at home instead of at day care. Love. And, yes, that’s a great thing, but I’m serious here. Developmentally speaking, school has much more to offer her than I would (not to mention that lacking of health insurance is not the best state of existence for a family with an infant).

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job. It’s where I function best. I know all of this in my head. Logically it all makes sense. But I miss my baby. An hour in the morning and an hour in the evening is NOT enough for me! Not enough. Wanna know a secret? I secretly love the fact that she doesn’t sleep through the night, that she still wakes up and wants a bottle. It’s just a few extra minutes I can spend with her. Even if it leaves me exhausted, I love that time. She’s so sweet and cuddly in the middle of the night.

So, why do I have this constant, dull, physical pain in the pit of my stomach every time I realize that my work day has exploded and I won’t be able to pick Baby up early from day care? Why does Husband have to take her every morning instead of me? (okay, that’s not really a hypothetical question. I know the answer to that one … because I would never leave!).

Damn it. And I thought that putting pictures of her on my desk was a good idea. Idiot.

5 comments:

  1. Aw that is a sweet post! I think you would be a great stay at home mom! I think you would learn to sign and be crafty. I also think I would be a great stay at home mom. But I am too worried to leave the work field. I worry about my future. I am excited to see what happens when I get pregnant and have a baby. I'm sure I will feel like you and want to be home all the time!

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  2. I worked through until my third child was almost one (about 7 years with kids). The whole time I had a nagging urge to stay home. it finally happened and I wouldn't trade it. I will say though, it's easy to miss working too, but it's not a nagging feeling.

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  3. Aww... I feel the exact same way!!!

    And P.S. I took three years of high school Spanish and two years of American Sign Language in college... and I don't remember anything besides cerveza and about five signs as well! ;-)

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  4. You are hereby diagnosed with a SEVERE case of working mommy guilt, Jennifer!!! Staying at home with a baby is not for everyone, but neither is working motherhood. Believe me, I never envisioned myself as a "working at home mother". (Sorry..I'm not just staying home..it's a test of patience and a labor of love at times....therefore a job.) Just remember...grass is not ALWAYS greener on the other side...but there are rare occasions where it MAY be.

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  5. Aww, hang in there! I hope that things ease up on you!! I have a hard time with overnight trips. I miss my kids when I go and wish they were in the pool at the hotel splashing around instead of home without me!

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