Vacay Recap: Part 1 - Baby Steps in High Heels

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Vacay Recap: Part 1

Truth be told, I wanted no part of this dream vacation.

Pristine, white beaches. Warm, turquoise waters. All inclusive resort.

I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I wasn’t ungrateful. I just didn’t want to go. I couldn’t fathom choosing to leave Baby behind for an entire week. Especially not when I have to be gone so often for work. I couldn’t wrap my head around leaving by choice rather than obligation.

But I agreed anyway.

I agreed to take the trip. I made the decision almost a year in advance of our departure date. And, I can honestly say that somewhere in the back of my mind, I never really planned to go. I lived in a state of denial all summer, fall, and most of the holiday season.

But, I had agreed to take the trip with Husband.


Because Husband really wanted to go.

He wanted to go so badly that he did the research. He made the plans. He booked the trip. And, he paid for it all.

Something that hasn’t happened in all of our relationship. In all of our travels, I am usually the one who makes the arrangements. But, this go-round, Husband needed a break. He needed that vacation.

And, when you have a husband like mine – one who does more than his fair share, who rarely complains, who you don’t actually count as an extra child – you want to do what you can to make him happy.

Husband is wonderful. He is not your average husband. He goes above and beyond on a regular basis. And he rarely asks for anything in return.

But after nine hellacious months of pregnancy and almost 15 months into Baby’s short life, Husband was tired. He wanted a break. A little getaway. Six days and five nights on a Jamaican beach.

Honestly, I was tired too. If I was honest with myself, I could have used the break, too. The last couple of years had been trying for me, as well.

But ... I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go.

Get on a plane? Fly away from my child? By choice? Nope.

Truth be told, I spent a solid nine months prior to our vacation pretending that I wasn’t even going to Jamaica. We had the plane tickets, and the resort was booked. But I would deflect the conversation anytime Husband would bring up the subject. Sometimes I would play along, but I almost always mentioned some caveat that ended with a comment like … “IF I even get on a plane.”

Flash forward to our day of departure. I’m putting one foot in front of the other. Taking baby steps, if you will. Telling myself that I don’t have to get on the plane. I just have to pack my bag. Put the bag in the car. Drive to the airport. Baby steps.

All the while, I’m an emotional wreck on the inside. Add to it an inexplicably, inconsolably screaming child.

I'm researching our cancellation policy a mere 12 hours before our scheduled flight. I am NOT going on this trip.

Tune in next week to find out how and why I actually did get on the plane. How I not only left Baby, but left her while she was sick. And how … at the end of the day, at the end of the week, everything actually ended up being just fine.

Today, I’m linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say for Pour Your Heart Out Wednesday, something I haven’t done in quite a while. It’s nice to be back!


  1. I'm so glad that you were able to go. It' s hard to leave our babies, but it's also a much-needed break.

  2. I can't even imagine the torment you went through to get there. I have never allowed myself to even consider it without making myself sick.

  3. It cracks me up that you were in denial...mainly because that's probably how I would be too! :)

    Although, I'm glad you went and that it turned out great!

  4. I know how hard it is to leave the kids...but I also think it's sooo important to recharge with just your spouse! I'm glad at the end you were okay...

  5. I can only imagine how tough it must have been for you to leave the way you did, and I'm looking forward to seeing how it all worked out! :-)

    Visiting from Shell's