Thursday, August 18, 2011

A Mom's Silly Heart Break

Usually Husband drops Baby off at day care. It’s so hard for me to leave her. You’d think I would be used to it by now … we’ve been doing this for over a year and a half.

But it hasn’t really gotten any easier for me. There is sorrow for missing out on parts of her day. There is guilt, of course. There is the crushing heart break every time her little face twists into a frown and she starts to cry for me to stay.

I thought it was bad she was younger, but it’s even more torturous now that she has words. Oh, how they cut like a knife.

It’s funny, though, because today brought on a whole new kind of heart break. And, silly though it may be, I’d be lying if I tried to say it didn’t hurt just as much to watch her stand by our door this morning, begging to go to school. Begging to leave me and go play with her friends. Begging to go (“Now, mama, now! Let’s go!”) for her music class this morning.

Oh, how it cut like a knife.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

PYHO: On the Road Again

It’s been a while since I truly blogged. Life has been … busy. To say the least.

The crazy part for me is that the summer is my ‘slow’ time at work. I’m supposed to have more time to spend with my family, with Baby, during these summer months.

And, to a certain extent, I have. Instead of spending nights away from home, I’ve been able to pick her up from day care early in the afternoon. We’ve run circles around the house, playing all afternoon. Oh, how we’ve played! And (of course) her favorite … we’ve been shopping!

She chants: Shopping! Shopping! Shopping!

I just can’t believe that it’s already August. I can’t believe that I leave for my annual sales meeting on Monday. This is the event that essentially kicks off my traveling season for the fall, and it will be followed by a couple of long, difficult months of being on the road again, spending several nights each week away from home and away from my family.

In the next month, I’ll cross the country twice. In the next three months, I’ll build more frequent flier miles and hotel points than most people do in several years.

And, it’s not easy. I HATE leaving. I HATE being gone. I HATE that I miss those precious moments with my ever-changing toddler. Sometimes, I notice that her hair has grown when I’ve been gone for a mere 48 hours.

Then I think about all that this job really does afford me – flexibility, salary, insurance. More than that, too, this job provides security in turbulent times. And, I really like what I do, so that also provides a certain set of perks.

I realize the benefits. I really do, and I’m not ungrateful.

But I also struggle. All. The. Time.

Husband asked me last night if I was just over-thinking the situation. (I was trying to explain to him that he would need to spend more quality time with Baby next week, because she would already be thrown off by my absence.)

Maybe I am. Kids are resilient. I know they are. But I don’t want to be the reason my child has to be resilient. I want to be her security, her sense of normalcy. Her home. And I hate the thought of being the inconsistency in her life.

I thought my traveling was hard last year, but I can already tell this year will be much more difficult. Baby has words now. She has opinions. She can tell me exactly what she thinks, and I’m just not sure what she’ll think about my coming and going so frequently.

And, the really, really selfish side of me dreads the day when she no longer clings to me. It’s not that I don’t want her to cling to Husband. It’s just that I don’t want her to not cling to me. It’s one thing if she does it by some natural choice, but I hate thinking that I might cause her to pull away simply by being absent.

So I will work extra hard these next few months. I will take 6:00 am flights on Monday morning instead of flying out Sunday evenings like most of my co-workers. I will do in three days what most others do in four (or more). I will work hard to be home, with Husband and Baby, as often as possible.

Linking up with Shell at Things I Can't Say again this week for Pour Your Heart Out Wedneday. Join us.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Sentences

Baby: Mama, I see a truck!
Me: You do?
Baby: Uh huh. I see it.



Twenty months old. Speaking in sentences.

Forgive me for bragging a bit, but I’m one proud mama!



Baby talks non-stop. When she’s not talking, she’s singing. And, whether she’s talking or singing, she is always on the go.

Busy baby plus busy mama equals one very full life, but we’re having a great time!